Muscly Armed Paper Boy
by Failure Turtle
Summary: Nothing says "Happy Birthday" like stepping on a girl's neck. CM PunkxOC one shot


**A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARA!!! ILY! Inspired by real AIM conversations. I'm sorry for the retardation of this story.**

"Stop drooling over Orton," a voice behind her said.

Cara gazed at the monitor as Randy walked down the ramp with Cody Rhodes in tow.

"I caaaaaaan't," Cara whined. She had no idea who had just spoken to her. It could have been a guy. It could have been a girl. It could have been Michelle McCool.

"It kind of makes the rest of us guys feel like shit, you know."

So, the voice had announced itself as someone of the male species. Good work. At least Cara could narrow it down just a little bit.

"But…the arms…They're all…big and…colored."

It was true. Cara did often gush over Randy's muscular arms that just so happened to be tattooed. She never really thought much of him until he got his new ink work done. Tattoos, blue eyes, and swagger. What more did a guy need?

"Big and colored? You mean like these?" the voice asked, and a pair of muscular arms with a lot of tattoos were thrusted into her line of sight.

"Yes! But if…" she started, but stopped herself when she noticed that the arms were familiar.

_Too_ familiar.

"Oh my gosh!" she squealed, turning bright red and covering her face. "Baby, I'm so sorry!"

"You're lucky he's married," her boyfriend, CM Punk, grumbled, setting his arms back at his sides.

"I'm a horrible person and you hate me," Cara frowned, taking a few steps away from Punk in the opposite direction.

"No, I don't. I understand that eyes sometimes wander. Hey, after all, Kelly Kelly _is_ back here with us while you girls are out there duking it out."

Cara _might_ have thought it was a funny joke if he didn't say _her_ name, the beast of the Divas locker room, the object of men's desire and women's hatred. He knew it was best to run after he realized just whose name he had used.

"I didn't mean it! I swear!" he yelled as Cara chased him down the hallway, not unlike kindergarteners playing tag on the playground.

Cara stopped, getting winded. Her boyfriend was faster than she was, and even though she would have loved to catch him, she would get him later. "Asshole, you're lucky it's my birthday."

* * *

"I swear to god, if you ask me to buy you a drink one more time, I am going to feed you to Kane!"

"But Puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunk," Candice Michelle whined. "You totally ditched me during RAW. You could make up for it somehow."

"No, I couldn't. I want nothing to do with you. Besides, you're already wasted," Punk noted, turning his back to the intoxicated Diva. Most men would kill to have a drunk Candice Michelle fawning all over them, but Punk wasn't most guys. He was sane, not on drugs, and had a girlfriend. He wanted this woman as far away from him as humanly possible. "Look, Candick—I mean Candice, your evil spawn sister is over there. Go join her." Punk pointed to the other side of the room where Kelly Kelly was arguing with another girl.

"Hmph," Candice grunted, crossing her arms and joining her friend.

"You're a gutter slut! You need to back off of my man!" Cara said, shoving Kelly away from her. The blonde was getting in her face about who knows what.

"For your information, Randy is _not_ your man," Kelly said, stepping back towards Cara.

"Um, I wasn't talking about him," Cara said. Okay, yes she was talking about Randy, but a guy cannot walk around town looking like that without having girls ogle over him, even ones that were already in committed relationships with their coworkers. "I was talking about Punk."

"I'm not even after him. You don't know what you're talking about."

"I can see it in your eyes," Cara said, noticing that Kelly's eyes had flickered…in Punk's direction. "Can't you just find a man and call it quits?"

"No man can handle me." Kelly cockily gave herself a twirl.

"Hun, even with those cheap implants, you still don't have anything to show off."

"Is she giving you trouble, Kels?" Candice slurred, putting her arm around Kelly's shoulder.

"All she does is give people trouble," Kelly shrugged.

"Yeah, well…Her _boyfriend_ just bought me this," Candice said, holding up her glass of Jack and Coke and taking a long sip. "Woo!" she squealed after downing the glass.

"Candice, you're such a tool," Cara said. "You're ruining my birthday."

"Really? Because Punk said that I made it better, actually."

It's one thing to trash talk when you can actually back it up. It's another thing to trash talk and completely lie about it. And it's even another thing to trash talk and completely lie about it when you're drunk off your ass.

Because that's when the angry girlfriend knocks you down.

In a split second, Candice was on the ground with her boot on Candice's neck. Cara saw Kelly coming and pointed at her. "I swear, if you try to help her out…Let's just say I have two feet for a reason."

"Cara! What on earth are you doing to Candick?" Punk asked, rushing up to the squabble and using Candice's lovely nickname.

"I'm choking a bitch out. Happy birthday to me," Cara stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Then again, when you're standing on a girl's neck, it _is_ the most obvious thing in the world.

"But why?" Normally, Cara was a nice girl who never bothered anybody. But the one thing you don't mess with around her is CM Punk. He may be a softie when it comes to her, but she's not one when it comes to him.

"She said that _you_ of all people bought her a drink. I think it's more likely that the paraplegic she blew in the corner bought it for her," Cara said, thinking about pressing her foot down some more. But then that would make her look like a bitch in front of her boyfriend. Well, just a little bit more of a bitch.

"Come on, hun. I'll take you horseback riding," Punk offered.

"What kind of horseback riding place is going to be open at eleven at night?"

"You don't get it. Horse…back…_riding_…"

Cara smiled as she understood what her boyfriend was getting at. She looked down at Candice and said, "Deuces, bitch. I'm getting laid."


End file.
